The highest hurdle I had to jump to write When Brilliance and Madness Collide was not the obvious vulnerability of social stigma because I use my real name. Rather, it was my fear of rejection, perhaps the most negative trigger influencing my emotional/bipolar state, that will inevitably come from readers from both extremes of the spectrum of religious beliefs and systems. Some might focus on my evangelical Christian faith upbringing, while others, ironically, might consider some parts of the book to border on heresy or blasphemy.

I discussed this quandary with my creative writing mentor, Don Williams—author, columnist, and founding editor of the anthology, New Millennium Writings—who counseled me to follow Ernest Hemingway’s advice. In his memoir, A Moveable Feast, Hemingway writes introspectively about creative pause:

 

All you have to do is write one true sentence. Write the truest sentence that you know.

 

In When Brilliance and Madness Collide, I take TRUTH to another level. Some of my spiritual experiences in 2017–18 connected tangentially to my psychotic state in 2018, so I included many of the details, writing truthfully from my own perspective…with all delusions and illusions intact.

My journey shows a mind that was slowly spiraling out of control while I still believed I was in a baseline state. My imaginings and delusions can be subtle. Sometimes it’s difficult to distinguish what is real. Just like in my dreams, while sleeping, they can draw upon anything from early childhood experiences to current events, strung together in no particular order or logic.

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My beliefs and faith are expressed throughout this book to illuminate my story, not to try to convince others what to believe. I am certainly not advising people to ignore medical science! I clearly acknowledge that my medical treatment is crucial to living well with bipolar disorder, and when I stopped taking my medications in mid-2018, before my extreme psychotic episode—because I thought I was healed and didn’t need them—that was part of what propelled me into a manic psychosis.

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Just as my moods have fluctuated between mania and depression, my devotion to my Christian faith has sometimes wavered, somewhere between hedonistic and sanctimonious, usually influenced by my mental health at the time. My misguided, overzealous, obsession with converting an atheist friend to Christianity finally destroyed our close friendship of twenty-eight years and led to the rejection that brought about my psychosis in mid-2018.

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I include my bipolar management plan to develop coping strategies and a lifestyle that minimize my bipolar symptoms—including, maintaining a regular daily schedule and routine with balance and structure (work, eating, sleep, exercise, Bible study, prayer, etc.); self-monitoring (watching for potential problems and relapses); asking family and friends to help monitor my bipolar symptoms and behavior; and always taking my mental health medications as prescribed by a medical professional.

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 One of the underlying themes of When Brilliance and Madness Collide is how my spiritual health helps me cope with my serious mental health problems, much like others with lived experience might use exercise, private or group therapy, meditation, etc. I imagine this book will probably speak strongly to other Christians who struggle with mental health issues and reveal what role their faith plays (or doesn't) in the illness, hopefully helping them to reconcile both, as I have done.

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I respect the diversity of all faith traditions and value the experiences of people who are different from me. For the sake of inclusion, I hope all readers can put aside their personal beliefs and biases and see this book as it is intended—to tell the truth about my lived experience during the escalation from baseline in early 2017 through the progression of stages of mania in 2017–18, culminating in full-blown psychosis in mid-2018, and my post-psychosis experiences in late 2018–21, including my mental/emotional reactions to COVID-19.

—Ruth Manning, 2023